The Perils of Blues Clues
by J Lokidottir
Summary: AU Sherlock and Moriarty are not only arch-rivals but also texting buddies. Sherlock get in a pickle and Moriarty and his right hand girls, Sebastian and Moran, have to come bail him out. Full summary inside. Rated for general oddness.


_J: Ok so this is a random plot bunny that my friend and I came up with. Completely AU. Moriarty and Sherlock are texting buddies and Sebastian Moran is actually two 16 year old girls._

_Moonmist: Hello, J's beta here! Obviously this has been beta-ed, otherwise I wouldn't be here, however this is just a bit of cracky fun so we didn't get it Brit-picked. Apologies for any mistakes due to this. Yeah, so Sebastian and Moran are both sixteen, and that's their last names. Bit dialogue-heavy, but we wrote the thing over text, what can you expect. Anything in single quotes is a text. Anyways. Hope you enjoy!_

Sherlock was ready to jump from a building, this time for real. John was turning into a panicking expectant father. He was forcing Sherlock to help him make all the decisions, such as what kind of book to read a baby, and what kind of "educational" shows the baby should watch. The worst one was a show called _Blue's Clues_. Sherlock felt that every time the man, Joe he vaguely remembered, opened his mouth he was going to become more idiotic. Sherlock finally grabbed his cell phone and texted his enemy Moriarty.

'Moriarty, I need you to murder someone for me.'

After about a minute he got a response, 'I'm a bit busy at the moment.'

Sherlock rolled his eyes. 'I will sic my brother on you or blow you up myself if you don't help me. It's a series of murders if that helps.'

'What part of "busy" do you not understand?'

'I WILL STRING YOU UP BY YOUR TOE NAILS AND FORCE YOU TO LISTEN TO JUSTIN BIEBER FOR 7 DAYS STRAIGHT IF YOU DON'T HELP ME!'

At this point the "mail song" had come on.

'What in earth could make you this desperate?'

'THIS DESPICABLE SHOW CALLED "Blue's Clues", YOU ARE TO DESTROY EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE CREATION OF THIS SHOW!'

'What'll you give me?'

'I WON'T HUNT YOU DOWN AND MURDER YOU IN COLD BLOOD!'

'Sherlock, dear, I'm afraid you'll have to give me a bit more incentive than that.'

Sherlock was getting desperate by now. 'I will send my brother to the bottom of the ocean, in a submarine of course, for 6 months'

'Deal. Method of murder?'

'I don't care, but leave the main actor alive and if you can erase all copies of this show'

'They'll be rotting in an hour'

'Very well, if John makes me watch many more of these I will give you permission to kidnap and experiment of him slightly, nothing permanent or life threatening though.'

'You give me the sweetest presents.'

'Don't get used to it and don't kidnap him until I tell you.'

'Well it was nice while it lasted.'

At this point John became so stressed out that he drank quite a bit of Sherlock's alcohol and started drunkenly singing the songs in the show. Sherlock's eyes widened in horror. 'HE IS SINGING THE SONGS KIDNAP HIM NOW, KIDNAP HIM NOW'

'Oh I don't know... Maybe I should let him torment you for a while.'

'I WILL FLING HIM FROM A WINDOW OR RIP OUT HIS VOCAL CHORDS'

'This is fun!'

At this point Sherlock is getting seriously desperate. His eyes wandered the room and he got an idea. After he put his plan in action, Sherlock texted Moriarty.

'I have made a cocktail of drugs and random alcohol found around my house.'

'Are you going to drink it?'

'Drank it.' Sherlock is now starting to feel slightly light headed.

'John hasn't stopped singing has he?'

'John started doing opera.'

'Hmm...perhaps I should kidnap him.'

'Yes, well, I am starting to feel the effects of the cocktail. I'm losing feeling in my legs.'

'You bloody idiot. Am I going to have to come over and take care of you again?'

'I donno' Sherlock is now feeling really dizzy.

'...That's it I'm coming over'

By then Sherlock no longer had control over his body or mind. 'YAY PLAYDATE!'

'... You really need me to come over.'

'Hehehehe IMMA HAVE A FRIEND SHEZZA NEVA HAVE A FRIEND BEFORE!'

Moriarty arrived at the flat and picked the lock. He threw open the door and saw Sherlock bouncing on the couch while John sang in the corner.

"MORI LOOK! I'M BEIN' A SPACE SHIP." Moriarty blinked at him incredulously before he grabbed his arm and hauled him towards the door.

"WHEE! WHERE ARE WE GOING PAPA?" Sherlock shouted as he started bouncing while Moriarty tugged him to his car.

"Someplace secret. Now get in the car." Sherlock bounded into the car and looked at the two people in the front. One was a white girl with brown hair and blue/green eyes and the other was an Asian girl whose eyes were almost as black as her hair.

"Sebastian, Moran, secret house one please." Sebastian nods silently before stepping on the gas.

Moran is more vocal, "Yes sir, why is Holmes with us?"

Moriarty sighed, "He decided to be an idiot. Again."

Moran smirked as she started working on her computer. "What did he do this time?"

"Drank some sort of cocktail of drugs and alcohol he had mixed up."

Sebastian's eyes flew from the road to Moriarty's face. "He mixed DRUGS AND ALCOHOL? What, is he suicidal?"

Moriarty scowled, "Eyes on the road Sebastian." She immediately fixed her eyes on the road.

"Sorry sir." Moran suddenly looked up from her laptop. "Out of morbid curiosity, why is John leaning out of the window at 221B belting out opera?"

Sherlock suddenly piped up. "Lalalalala John and Mori are my best friends, lalalalala." Moran looked at him oddly but no one else reacted.

"The singing is why Sherlock made the cocktail." Moriarty explained.

Sebastian once more took her eyes off the road and look in the rear view mirrors. "That certainly explained it. I'd probably do the sa-"

Moriarty cut her of with a quick "_Road_, Sebastian."

"Uhm, if anyone cares, John has one leg out the window and looks like he's gonna jump." Moran suddenly said.

"DON'T LET JOHNNY JUMP!" Sherlock shouted, grabbing and shaking Moriarty. Sebastian leaned over and looked at her laptop.

"SEB FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WATCH THE ROAD!" Moran screamed as she grabbed the wheel and jerked their car out of the path of another.

"Oh, for- Moran, let Mycroft know about the situation. He can deal with John, I'm busy with Sherlock." Moriarty said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"He really looks like he's gonna jump" Seb said, glancing over at Moran's laptop.

"ROAD," roared Moriarty.

"It's fine," she replied flippantly. "The road is practically empty." She jerked the wheel to the left to avoid yet another car. Everyone, even Sherlock glared at her. "...Well, I did say practically." Moran rolled her eyes at Sebastian.

"So help me, if you don't keep your eyes on the road I will skin you." Moran snapped.

"Well aren't you touchy today. Why can't you come up with your own insults instead of stealing Mori's?" Seb asked with a smirk.

"Would both of you be quiet? And Sebastian, don't call me Mori," Moriarty snapped from the back where he had a giggling Sherlock leaning on his shoulder.

"Why can Sherlock call you Mori if I can't?" Seb complained.

"Because we have a profound bond," Moriarty snapped without really thinking.

"HAH! I KNEW YOU WERE IN LOVE! YOU OWE ME 20 POUNDS MORAN!" Sebastian shouted pumping her fist in the air.

"No, the terms were that he had to actually say 'I love you' to Sherlock without knowing about the bet which you just screwed up. I believe _you_ owe _me_ 20 quid." Moran snapped back catching the wheel of the car to pull them back into their lane.

"Oh come on that's not fair! He practically said it!" Sebastian argued.

"Oh for the love of- Sherlock and I don't love each other! We are arch-rivals!" Moriarty snapped. "Just get us to the safe house and help me get Sherlock sober."

"Yes sir," they both said simultaneously. After five minutes of awkward silence, interrupted only by the occasional oblivious comment from Sherlock, they made it to the safe house.

"Ok boss, you can carry him into room number three. I will get the sedatives. Once we are sure the other drugs have left his system we can take him home." Sebastian said, stopping and getting out of the car.

"Alright. Moran, you erase every trace of the text conversation we had with him, then erase any evidence he was with us in the car. Every CCTV camera, anything. Got it?" Moriarty asked, tossing her the phone.

"Got it boss," Moran responded, already heading for the mainframe in the house.

Twelve hours later Sherlock woke up with a massive hangover. He checked his phone for any clues and found nothing. He searched the flat and found John passed out on the ground with a note from his brother attached to it. "Brother, if your blogger ever gets this drunk again, you have to stay home and deal with him."


End file.
